SUSTAINING A SUPPORT GROUP

Ms. Karen de la Cruz

September 22, 2007
Astoria Plaza
Oritgas Center, Pasig City

(Host Intro:Karen dela Cruz is an Organizational Psychologist and Change Management Consultant. She will share her experiences in strengthening and sustaining a support group.)

Good afternoon, ladies.

I have studied successful people, successful corporation, successful groups; and I have noticed the difference between those that are successful and enduring, and those that are not. Those who are successful, both as individuals and as organizations, they know what they want. It’s so clear.

First, you have to have a very strong desire that that’s what you want. Remember it’s a decision in your head.

Second, you have to have unwavering belief that you can get it. Of course, God’s going to help you with it, that’s not the problem. God isn’t a problem here. He will help, no doubt about that. The problem is really more us – when we lose faith. That’s why you need to have unwavering belief. The moment you entertain a single element of doubt, it is going to be very, very hard.

The one thing I noticed about people who were successful is that for them, failure is not an option. Maybe that’s why they’re successful, maybe that’s why they change the world.

Here’s the third: How do you turn that “now” into a concrete reality? In other words, there is expectancy: have a deadline. Two years, three years, four years, it’s up to you. Of the three: desire, belief, expectancy; expectancy or time is the hardest to control; but you have to make sure that your desire and belief are strong.

You know what I hear these people say? The ones who are very good – I call them laser-focused. You know what I hear them say? This is what they say. “You know, I haven’t met my goal yet, Karen, but it’s just a matter of time.” In other words, baka hindi pa namin panahon, but it’s just a matter of time. So, you have to hold on to that. Kaya nga you have to have a strong purpose – one that is powerful enough to keep your motivation and your members’ motivation going. Otherwise, it is not going to work.

Now, this is the most important, it’s not just about being alive or surviving, it is about the most important contribution you want to make – the legacy you want to leave.

Now, I will show you a video, it’s one of the videos that I often show when I run Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. It’s a Franklin Covey, I’m not advertising them, but I like the video because I find it very touching. It’s lifted from the Eight Habits. I’d like you to watch this one, the title is “Legacy” and it doesn’t show people talking, it just shows you phrases and scenes.

We have this belief kasi; remember the four dimensions: physical, social-emotional, mental, and spiritual. We have a way to looking at it. This is how we put it: To Live. To Love. To Learn. To Leave a Legacy. So you can attack it from any of the four. To live, to love, to learn, to leave a legacy. Okay?

(Video showing)

Anyway, I’m going to end this part of the talk so I can do an integration. You have to be very, very clear about purpose and you have to keep renewing that. For me it’s not just a purpose, it’s a legacy. The most important question there is how do you want people to remember you? You’re in a group; you’re in your family. It is so significant, because the moment that you start to think this way, it will change and alter the way you behave towards others.

You don’t want to be remembered “Ang hirap naman pakisamahan iyan.” “Hay, naku, salamat naman umalis na yan.” “Hay, naku, maraming salamat at namatay rin!” Can you imagine people starting to talk of you that way? “Nasaan na?” “Wala, wala, umalis na.” You don’t want that. It brings you back to your core.

Now, a few things: renew yourselves on this. Always have your own to do list as a group. Brainstorm lang. Don’t edit or cut out immediately. Just brainstorm on what are the things you want to do, and then, you know what some people do to make it interesting? Instead of just talking and thinking about it? Sometimes you can do a collage first, a collage for the year. Sige nga, tingnan natin what activities can we engage in? Pictures trigger imagination. You have to find ways to stimulate your way of thinking here para your activities are interesting.

Now, please take note: meaningful projects. What is the criterion? It should have the most impact on the lives of those we touch. It doesn’t even have to be a big project, but you’re sure it will make a dent. Minsan nga, maliliit lang na projects ito, pero meaningful.

Second: It will use your best talents and strengths. Para hindi lang isa ang nagtratrabaho. You can get lots of people involved.

Third: It has a link to your mission. This is very good, a forum like this; can you imagine that right now we are only how many tables, that eventually we will have more tables, and more tables, and more tables with people yet. Before you know it, that little portion of exhibits there, you try to imagine that eventually as booths of the best practices and the milestones and accomplishments of all the different support groups. Can you imagine that? Can you visualize how it’s going to be? And can you imagine if you invited donors to come and see that, how powerful that would be? They will see it, because donors all behave that way. Pupunta yan.

Ako, dun ko naappreciate yung hospice ng cancer when they had it. Kasi we did an exhibit. They had the hospice program. Tapos they did a very, very strategic event – Johann Strauss Ball, with the Austrian Embassy, and so on. Then they had a Debutante’s ball. Kung mayaman ka, at gusto mong mag debut ng anak mo, magbayad ka na nang 120,000 dun. So you had the rich and the famous there, you have Loi Ejercito, she’s there, and we need an exhibit of the hospice patients that the Cancer Society helped at that time, do you know it made the dent? It is interesting because people see the accomplishment. Sayang nga, e. They don’t do it anymore.

Oh, and don’t forget, it has to be cost effective, because given the resources that you have. So, you have to have very good budgeting here. I’m sure some of you are very good financial wizards, so you have to think this through.

Now, narrow down the list to three most important projects and then measure the results. Meaning you have to have a way of knowing if you were successful or not. Please share the success, and share the failure, just in case you didn’t do well. Maganda nga yan, meron kang best practices and worst practices – may forum ka, best practices and worst practices, what to do and what not to do, so that people will learn from you; and it’s all right, I mean, everybody makes mistakes anyway. The biggest mistake in our life as a support group was blank. Tapos what lessons did we learn ulit. Nobody has ever featured something like that. But can you imagine how much that would save people from making the same mistakes if they knew about those mistakes? Sa akin, ha? Mahalaga yun. We’re so afraid kasi to come out with our mistakes, pero sa akin, that’s important. Ako nga, I learn more from my mistakes than my successes. That’s where I get the lessons, from the wrong things.

Oh, celebrate. Celebrate. Now, as what your communication strategy lessons earlier, your fundraiser lessons earlier taught you, write a story about it, chronicle it in pictures, document it somewhere, you have to – exactly the way you’re doing it there; because this is historical, this is very, very historical, and let the world know you and your group did something good.

My Dad used to say “Good public relations is good performance plus good reporting.” Ipagsabi nyo, it’s okay. Everybody should know you. You’re attracting people, e.

Now this is the biggest problem of my life. I volunteered for this, that I was going to do the wrap-up, because I didn’t realize that our resource persons were going to give us tons and tons and tons and tons and tons of information, so, now, anyway. My role is to try to put it together, okay? So I call it an integration and a warm-up type, meaning you have to warm yourselves into it and try to internalize. I will start with how, in a sense, Kara sort of positioned it for a while.

It starts with a cancer cell: Elusive, pervasive, haunting. It’s causing us sleepless nights and restless minds, agitated hearts, and troubled souls. Then we go through the rigors of the treatment and prognosis, various methods, approaches, strategies, tactics, medications to keep us alive, to sustain our spirits so that we can continue to pursue our most passionate hopes; at least for those of us who do not want to give up. Then, either when we’re in the middle of it or as we start to feel better, or in the midst of the road or our journey to life, we make a change. And we start to discover something changed this in us.

For me, this is the moment when you would suddenly ask the question: If you had one year to live, what would you do? That’s usually asked in workshops. But it becomes real when you’re sick. If you actually had one year to live, it forces you suddenly to change everything; from priorities to the way you live, to the way you love. Our most important goals, our most vibrant dreams, our loved ones who mattered most; the numerous works swimming in our minds of works that is yet to come.

What happens now is you have to learn to forgive the past, so that you can move on. We have a term for it. We do not allow our past to hold us hostage; and we do not allow the present to hold us hostage to what is yet to come. What we do, we work on the things we could work on. That’s why I do buy what she said, we start small. We start conservative. If that is all we could do, then that is all we could do. Then that’s all right! Everything starts small. We don’t dream to be like somebody else. That’s okay, that’s fine; that will follow later on, but we have to follow through a progression. For me, it is consistency, and there are two things here. There is a sincerity of purpose, and there is a consistency of approach so that you’ll get the outcome that you want.

Now, this is the thing that we would all like to accomplish, no matter where we are – how to inspire hope to those who are in the same boat as us. We have a story to tell. Normally, it starts that way. Somebody comes to us and asks us “How are you? How did you recover?” We tell our little story. Then little stories become bigger stories; and before you know it, those stories spread around. Maybe we have not done enough to make these stories hit the media so that people are also aware of what survivors are able to do.

I told the Cancer Society: “You know, I have to hand it to the people who created the cancer campaign in the ‘30’s.” The cancer campaign in the 1930’s and the ‘40’s, they made cancer so scary. You don’t even want to have a check-up sa takot mo na kung ano ang madiscover sa iyo. Ang husay ng campaign, hanggang ngayon. Can you imagine if you can try to change that a bit? You know why? Because the stories we see is that they will always die. We seldom see that they live. For me, dapat doon na. That’s why I like the Big C. Because the Big C somehow establish that; but I think we need more of that. E, pati telenovela, yun din at yun ang ending, lahat namamatay. If we could also project those things, that’s the one within our control. That’s something we can do something about.

Now, these are some of the things, just to wrap it up. From Dr. Francis Lopez, I wasn’t here, but in a sense, he has basically gave us a feel how much do we really know about breast cancer. I heard that you have these true or false things. Even I got an interesting discovery about sugar. This time I envy the cancer patients. You can eat sugar, me, I can’t because I’m diabetic.

Now, what is true, what is untrue, what is myth, what is real, what is essential, what is common sense, and so on and so forth. All of these learnings are important, and you know why? Because the more you know them, you can also let others know, even in your own little way. A simple text message, a simple power point, a simple email, my God, you have to use the vibrancy and the vigor of a rumor. Di ba ang chismis mabilis? Ganoon. Kung ano ang bilis natin magkalat ng chismis, dapat ganoon din ang bilis natin magkalat nito. I’m making a joke here, but why do you think rumors spread so fast? Because it is so interesting. So you have to find a way to position it also; that’s how it just starts. Then later on, there will be more valid basis for it.

With Fely Soledad earlier, what will it take to legitimize ourselves? She gave us a feel of global effects. The challenge: As we increase our influence, so does our responsibility increase. Admittedly, cancer is making a dent. I have to tell you this: Of the illnesses I have encountered, cancer support groups are the most solid and the most powerful. There are many support groups, but this is the one that’s out in the open. When there is an event, asahan mo that cancer support groups are there. And they are not ashamed. I mean, they’re there, they’re together, and that’s what’s so nice about it because the belongingness is there. You can’t expect that of the other support groups. I haven’t seen that in heart, I haven’t seen that in kidney, even diabetes tries, but I guess there is just something about the illness and what it does to people so that people try to reach out to others. I’m a kidney transplant; I haven’t tried to reach out to other transplants. I know we have a support group but I haven’t got on that, and nobody has come to me to ask anything. Kasi ganun naman yan e, di ba? It’s interesting when you think about it. You want to understand the psychology of the illness also.

Now, here’s the second: How do you win public trust? This has been the recurring theme across the day: Credibility, results, performance, responsibility, accountability, visibility. It seems to always reverberate to that, because that is the one that will win public trust. You’re competing with other NGOs now. My mother said: Ang daming NGOs. Sabi ko: Alam mo, it’s really hard, and fundraising is more difficult now. But I do know one thing; people will support a worthy cause – if they can resonate with it. Transparency about the way we use resources. Yun nga lang, here’s the challenge: the bureaucracies we have to go through. That’s why for me, this is interesting. It is also a fundamental question that you might want to answer, not now, but maybe a few years from now. How small do you want to stay? How long do you want to last? Because in all honesty, if we really do want to last, we do have to build something a little bit along the lines of really an organizational structure. I think we should nature take its course, that’s my view of it, because that’s how support groups have been operating. Nature is taking its course; you flow with the tide, you flow with the change, and somehow the time will allow us to thrive, which is what’s happening now. We just flow, but as we flow, we also have to create huge interesting rocks that will create ripples.

Then, other things, heto na, what we need to work on. Actually, when you look at it, I was looking at this earlier, it sounds like coming up with a business. You know somebody told me: You know, Karen, if you want an NGO to be successful, it has to be run like a business. Di ba, ano? Sa totoo lang, if you really want to sustain it. And that’s true. The American Cancer Society is done that way, and so on and so forth. Most NGOs are thinking along the same lines, not all of us are business people, but it’s interesting to have a few. Kaya lang parang it becomes very rigid, no? The moment you create something like this. Suddenly, there’s something about a structure that removes the fluidness of it all. So, I guess it will take a while to get used to this kind of an idea.

Although, you know what I realized? Even if you already have this, it does not guarantee that you can raise funds. My mother’s in an NGO that helps veterans, and they have a 120 million, through fundraising raised across the years, ha? And they are only just experiencing as much difficulty as anyone else. What do they do? What are their programs? They actually give free medicines and vitamins to veterans. They have medical clinics, they do medical missions, but she is very lucky. My mother’s very resourceful. She found this Missionary of Poor Sisters. You know what she got from the Missionary of Poor Sisters? Sabi niya, I got a lot of medicines and vitamins. Really? Yeah. Donated. Ito yung parang Mother Theresa ano yata ito e, who in turn donates. Eto na. By accident, sabi nya ganon, I’ve got tons and tons of medicines for HIV and AIDS. Sabi ko: Why? Do veterans have HIV and AIDS? No. But, what she did was to donate it to the hospitals with that.

So you can; for me, it’s effort, diligent effort. Now, this is what we got from our communication. A very good cause deserves a very good story. Eto nga, e. You have to put yourselves in the mind, in the shoes of the reporter. If you were writing a story, what would the public want to read about? That’s basically what the message is all about. Three things, oh no, four – significance, proximity, conflict, something that will blow the whistle; but these are controversial, e. You have to find your story that would attract attention, and I think, eto nga. How can I make my story catch attention?

First of all, you have to document. Sometimes you forget that. We have a very good event; we don’t say anything or do anything about it. Now, I think purpose is very important. I will link this to two things – purpose of your organization, purpose of your project, purpose of your communication. They have to be aligned. Communication is a strategy to make you visible, so you have to make sure that the message you are sending out there is aligned to the purpose you are pushing for. I think that’s the very point of that. So if you want to raise funds, you still have to create the credibility for it. These are small steps that you have to take.

Now changing attitudes is another thing. You also have to understand the attitude you want to change – you want to inform people or you want to shift?

Somebody said when you come up with a strategy, always think at the very, very end; at the very end of all of it, the outcome. What is it that you want these people to do after they read your story? What exactly is the behavior you want them to engage in? You want them to donate? You want them to volunteer? You want them to help? You want them to write? That has to be the clear behavior; because the moment you’re clear about that, it will somehow determine the strategy you’ll use.

Now, I’ll have to put the two of them together, kasi haba, e. But I found it to be very substantial, and it showed me trends in fundraising. I’ll put it this way: The psychology of the person who reads the request, your prospect, your perspective – the moment you write a proposal, so two things – the way they see it, the way you position it. How do you build a quality relationship with the donors in between the whole process? And then, matching the programs and projects with what they are also aiming for or helping. That’s the trend now in fundraising. The most important thing here and they keep mentioning it: Always do research. Research on your prospects; research on the activities you want to engage in.

Now, how do we succeed here? We have to build this: Credibility of the leadership of our organization, the cause we advocate, our track record, the impact that it has, endurance, and steadiness. In other words, they do not only look at projects, they look at how long you’ll endure. So, if you give up at once, and you fold up, that might also affect the other cancer groups; kasi parang NGO lang na they mushroom and they die. Kaya for me this is really something to think about, okay?

Then results: the outcome, the impact, your major contributions. Look at it this way: Intent, purpose, strategy, and outcome. Coherence there.

Third, now, the mindset we have of ourselves, I think this is important: We do not beg. That’s what they said. We do not feel inferior that we are begging. We believe our cause is worthy and our programs and projects are worth helping. It is prestigious to help us because we have created a sense of leadership in our industry. It gives you more confidence. Kaya the more significant projects and success you create, the easier it will be to leverage. Stories, milestones we have created, and we are accountable for the results. Our books are open to all.

Now, this is most important, linking what you’re passionate about doing to what your stakeholders are passionate about getting – right strategy, tools, and so on. Now, most important. Ito yung madalas wala, yung necessary controls, kaya namamatay. I think that’s why Madre de Amor is also successful, they got very good continuance. Ang husay, no? They’re really at it, but they’re hospice.

Going back to where we started, as Kara said, don’t under estimate the work you and your group have done. It’s all right, at least you’re starting. Everything starts with a small effort, a humble intention made real and concrete; you have to have this. Passion. You have to keep that, that’s the fire. The moment it turns into indifference, you’ve fallen out of love. You will have to court again. Diligence to see it through, get things done. That’s the thing you have to keep alive.

Now, I put it this way, we still have a looooooong way to go. Kara’s right, there is no infrastructure in the country that makes the advocacy easier. The World Health is not focused on cancer. Cancer is not in the consciousness of the national leaders or the budget; not even the constitution takes care of us. The constitution is focused on economic impact, not welfare and health. No government body or corporation is committed to elevating our advocacy. So, we have to do it ourselves. For me, you have to take note of this; that is why today is historical, it’s the first time we take a step as a group to take the power within us to greater heights. Then, I’ll put it this way, you have to institutionalize. A few rich wells within your small group, a few practices, and you have to make sure that when they become boring, you have to be ready to reevaluate, to shift gears, to reinvent, so that you can restore the affection.

Now there are some questions I gave there that are worth reviewing, just one last before I play the final video. I have one gift for you. Usually, the best gift anyone can give me on a new year’s day is a planner. I like planners because I am a planner, I’m pretending, okay? I like thinking ahead, I like being prepared. I get a high from being on top of things, but some things are beyond planning; and life doesn’t always turn out as planned. You don’t plan for a broken heart, you don’t plan for a failed business venture, you don’t plan for an adulterous husband, or a wife who wants you out of her life. You don’t plan for an autistic child, you don’t plan for spinsterhood, and you don’t plan for a lump in your breast.

You actually plan to be young forever. You plan to climb the ladder of success, you plan to be rich and powerful, you plan to be acclaimed and successful, and you plan to conquer the universe. You plan to fall in love and be loved forever. You don’t plan to be sad and you don’t plan to be hurt. You don’t plan to be broke, and you don’t plan to be betrayed, and you don’t plan to be alone in the world.

You plan to be happy, and you don’t plan to be shattered. Sometimes if you work hard enough, you can get what you want; but most times, what you want and what you get are two different things. We mortals plan but so does the God in the heavens, and sometimes it is difficult to understand God’s plans, especially when His plans are not in consonance with ours; and often He sends us crisis. We turn to Him in anger. True, we cannot choose the cross that God wishes us to carry, but we can carry that cross with courage, knowing that God will never abandon us, nor send something we cannot cope with; and sometimes, at the height of it all, God breaks our spirit to save our soul, He breaks our heart to make us whole, and He sends us pain so that we can be stronger. He sends us failure so we can humble, and sometimes He sends us illness so we can take better care of ourselves; and sometimes He takes everything away from us so that we can learn the value of everything He gave us.

Most of the time and we may not realize it, He also plans the path that we would take so that we could make wise choices to succeed, to outdo ourselves, to overcome our fears, and to heighten our courage; to make our value as a human being solid and whole. And He does this through our best dreams that we have made concrete, our best hopes that we have made real, our best strengths that we have put to good use, and many of our best moments that we have proven to ourselves and to the world that we can lead our lives so that we could be the best that we could be; and that we could help others to be the best that they could be. I think this is what support groups are for, basically.

People have been telling you: write a story. Look at it this way. You want to be more artistic about it. If you were to write or to paint a masterpiece of your support group later on, what would that painting look like? What would be in it? Who will be the characters in there?

I’ll show you a video that puts in the context of the masterpiece. Okay? This is lifted also from…it’s the newest video, but I’d like to show it because I find it very meaningful. It looks at people creating their own painting individually; because I think everything starts within. For me, it takes one individual to connect to another individual so that eventually they have a group, and as that group touches more lives, you have more lives changed, and then it grows. You might not change an entire community, but with three you might be able to change at least your group. Then eventually who knows? Eventually you can change a town, and who knows? You might change a country. You dream big but you start small. I’ll play this last one, Masterpiece.

(Video show)

Thank you.